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If you have any trouble
sounding condescending, find a Unix
user to show you
how it's done.
There are three kinds
of death in this world. There's heart
death, there's brain
death, and there's being off the network.
There are two major
products that come out of Berkeley: LSD
and UNIX. We don't
believe this to be a coincidence.
If you don't double-click
me, I can't do anything.
Guide to understanding
a net.addict's day:
Slow day: didn't
have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet.
Busy day: managed
to work in three hours of usenet.
Bad day: barely
squeezed in three hours of usenet.
If you put garbage
in a computer nothing comes out but
garbage. But this
garbage, having passed through a very
expensive machine,
is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
Multimedia? As far
as I'm concerned, it's reading with the
radio on!
The Internet is so
big, so powerful and pointless that for
some people it is
a complete substitute for life.
Usenet is like Tetris
for people who still remember how to
read.
By the time (the
Leaning Tower of Pisa) was 10% built,
everyone knew it
would be a total disaster. But the investment
was so big they
felt compelled to go on. Since its completion,
it cost a fortune
to maintain and is still in danger of
collapsing. There
are no plans to replace it, since it was
never needed in
the first place. I expect every installation
has its own pet
software which is analogous to the above.
Saying that Windows95
is equal to Macintosh is like finding a
potato that looks
like Jesus and believing you've witnessed
the second coming.
I'd wipe the machines
off the face of the earth again, and end
the industrial epoch
absolutely, like a black mistake.
Live TV died in the
late 1950s, electronic bulletin boards
came along in the
mid-1980s, meaning there was about a 25-year
gap when it was
difficult to put your foot in your mouth and
have people all
across the country know about it.
Considering the flames
and intolerance, shouldn't USENET be
spelled ABUSENET?
In view of all the
deadly computer viruses that have been
spreading lately,
Weekend Update would like to remind you:
when you link up
to another computer, you're linking up to
every computer that
that computer has ever linked up to.
The last good thing
written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon.
There is no reason
for any individual to have a computer in
his home.
Imagine if every
Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them
the usual way. This
happens to us all the time with computers,
and nobody thinks
of complaining.
Disclaimer - These
opiini^H^H damn! ^H^H ^Q ^[ .... :w :q :wq
:wq! ^d X ^? exit
X Q ^C ^? :quitbye CtrlAltDel ~~q :~q logout
save/quit :!QUIT
^[zz ^[ZZZZZZ ^H man vi ^ ^L ^[c ^# ^E ^X ^I
^T ? help helpquit
^D ^d man help ^C ^c help ?Quit ?q
CtrlShftDel"Hey,
what does this button d...
The real problem
is not whether machines think but whether men
do.
If unix is the face
of the future I wanna go back to quill
pens.
Usenet is like a
herd of performing elephants with diarrhea If addiction is judged
by how long a dumb animal will sit
pressing a lever
to get a 'fix' of something, to its own
detriment, then
I would conclude that netnews is far more
addictive than cocaine.
Men have become the
tools of their tools.
Technology makes
it possible for people to gain control over
everything, except
over technology.
Those parts of the
system that you can hit with a hammer (not
advised) are called
hardware; those program instructions that
you can only curse
at are called software.
PROGRAMMERS & PROGRAMMING "BASIC - A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company." -Anon. "I speak BASIC to clients, 1-2-3 to management, and mumble to myself." -Anon. "If you're masochistic enough to program in ADA, we're not going to stop you." -Matt Welsh "Don't get suckered in by the comments ... they can terribly be misleading." -Dave Storer "If we can dispel the delusion that learning about computers should be an activity of fiddling with array indexes and worrying whether X is an integer or a real number, we can begin to focus on programming as a source of ideas." -Harold Abelson "Optimization hinders evolution." -Anon. "Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI using Roman numerals." -Henry Spencer "The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in Wonderland; but that's because it's the best book on anything for layman." -Anon. "The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be created in the form of computer programs." -Joseph Weizenbaum "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg." -Bjarne Stroustrup "He who hasn't hacked assemply language as a youth has no heart. He who does as an adult has no brain." -John Moore "Pascal keeps your hand tied. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself." -Anon. "Perl - The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption." -Keith Bostic "A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages." -Anon. "Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals ... with their eyes opened." -ricS "Real programmers can write assembly code in any language." -Larry Wall "Real programmers don't work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am it's because they were up all night." -Anon. "Real programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN." -Anon. "There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult." -C.A.R. Hoare "A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked." -John Gall "A crash is when your competitor's program dies. When your program dies, it is an 'idiosyncrasy'. Frequently, crashes are followed with a message like 'ID 02'. 'ID' is an abbreviation for idiosyncrasy and the number that follows indicates how many more months of testing the product should have had." -Guy Kawasaki "There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works." -Anon. "f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng." -Anon. "Old programmers never die. They just branch out to a new address." -Anon. "Old programmers never die. They just can't C as well." -Anon. "As a rule, software systems do not work well until they have been used, and have failed repeatedly, in real applications." -Dave Parnas "Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand." -Anon. "Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life." -Michael Sinz "Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers." -Leonard Brandwein
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